Twitter Updates for 2014-10-23

  • 4 out of 5 science doctors agree, shorthand notes are funnier than the actual jokes. ->
  • Men are on Mars and women are on Venus because NASA is really bad at their job. ->
  • "Bomp ba bomp" and "dip da dip" are respectively, 60's slang for the firing of a gun and digging a grave. #classicsongsactuallymurderballads ->
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Oct 24th, 2014 | Filed under Crittocracy

Twitter Updates for 2014-10-22

  • Once again the Eternal Life Dozer liberates America's children from the evil clutches of public education and substandard construction. ->
  • A sharp mind should not write upon his own wrists, but rather enjoy the canvas those of duller wit afford him. ->
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Oct 23rd, 2014 | Filed under Crittocracy

Twitter Updates for 2014-10-12

  • RT @cityrider49: The day you realize that tweeting is no different than the homeless guy shouting at the wall is the day Twitter becomes ea… ->
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Oct 13th, 2014 | Filed under Crittocracy

Twitter Updates for 2014-10-11

  • 10 cool tricks that are actually felonies Cracked is planning to "write" an article about. ->
  • 10 sauces that aren't as saucy as these photos of scantily clad (but not nude) women. ->
  • 10 jukeboxes that outperform actual human beings who have deluded themselves into thinking they have talent. ->
  • Life is better as s spambot. Keyword. Happiness. Favorite. Retweet: fulfillment. ->
  • Keep hearing "Times They are a-Changing" every time I see a beer label that a-changed. ->
  • The secret of success is commenting on random articles until a CNN corespondent has a heroin overdose in your hotel room, then tell-all book ->
  • RT @sara_ashlynn: I run on a treadmill with a wine bottle dangling in front of me. ->
  • Still the funniest person on my feed, but honorary mention to the professional comedians who keep popping up. ->
  • Pretty ironic how the favorites start drying up as soon as you stop using the synergized keywords for enhanced marketing profitability. ->
  • Marketing is like Beetlejuice except that you only have to mention it once to be sent to Hell. ->
  • After being exposed to NATO standard radiation, Bruce Banner becomes an extreme couponer. ->
  • Getting more positive feedback from fucking robots than any of you self-declared human beings. ->
  • Responsible financial planning and growth oriented business strategy is the exclusive domain of the white supremacist movement. ->
  • Need a business growth strategy that doesn't involve stacking prostitutes like cord wood and selling the pictures to @BuzzFeed ->
  • Human progress can be evaluated on a simple Jews-to-Gentiles benefit graph, determining the true value of innovation and Christworthiness. ->
  • If time is money then my time is yours for a simple, non-negotiable fee of 400 dollars an hour, plus consultancy pro-rated plus expenses. ->
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Oct 12th, 2014 | Filed under Crittocracy

Twitter Updates for 2014-10-10

  • Speak softly and carry a big, blaze orange stick so the police don't mistake it for a shotgun and murder you. ->
  • The only true selfless act is an act committed in the absence of self, eg: an act performed by others. ->
  • Being down-voted on Reddit is pretty much the same as 9/11 in that they're both acts orchestrated by Jews. ->
  • A Grateful Dead cover band that only plays Infrared Roses. ->
  • Need to get myself a cut of that sweet Buzzfeed top ten list action. ->
  • Top ten secrets your mom discovered instead of having a job to support her family. ->
  • Ten of your parents favorite recreational activities that are now illegal because we voted for Democrats. ->
  • Ten insults you learned in the nineties that are actually gay innuendo. ->
  • 25 lifestyle choices public education convinced you were good ideas (but actually weren't). ->
  • 15 chores your parents told you to do that were actually all drug smuggling. ->
  • Top ten top ten lists that Letterman bought off of Fiverr. ->
  • Top ten crotch grabs by steroid-fueled metal cover bands ->
  • 10 steps you tripped over, breaking your neck (also, you're a ghost). ->
  • 10 vanilla jokes the squares on Twitter would rather favorite than that really edgy one. ->
  • Top two feet this alcoholic won't stop stepping on. ->
  • It's good techno, but I don't know if it's LRM20 good. ->
  • 10 apps the bartender would rather use than serve you. ->
  • Competing headspace for low effort jokes and ex-related resentments. ->
  • 90% of the music written in the last 20 years is part of a psychological warfare experiment aimed at ruining my good times. ->
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Oct 11th, 2014 | Filed under Crittocracy

Twitter Updates for 2014-10-09

  • Wish I could return to a simpler time, like before it took 6 hours on the phone with tech support to get your killing implements to work. ->
  • Writing all my political opinions on the side of a white panel rental van and driving it to DC. ->
  • Chances are your soul mate will have committed suicide before you have the opportunity to meet them, or immediately afterwards. ->
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Oct 10th, 2014 | Filed under Crittocracy