All the matches in the world don’t amount to much when your tongue and brain pack their bags and head to Disneyland for the weekend and leave you staring at a blank screen. You need a little help to break the ice and you need it fast if you don’t want that hottie with the body to think you’re dumber than damp toast and too pathetic to make a move. Let’s face it gentlemen, she’s already talking to the guy who just read this article and getting his address for a little couch time later. We’ve put together a list of pick-up lines so hot your Tinder crush is going to be storing her panties in your freezer, after she drops them for you…

  • Do you like dated GoT references and cuddling? Because winter is coming in 3-4 years depending on their shooting schedule and I’d like to get prepared with you 😉
  • A polar bear and a jumper cable walk into a bar. The bartender says “try not to start anything, last time he tried to break the ice I couldn’t start my car for a week!”
  • You’re trapped on the 10th floor of a burning building. The’s an extensive library, a fully stocked bar, and a number of celebrity guests. Which cocktail do you prepare and which book do you read while you wait for the fire department to arrive? Also, which celebrity do you throw out the window?
  • Do you like head? Because I’d like to get down on my knees and roll mine into a basket for you.
  • What do you call a drunk bear on a unicycle waving a shotgun around? Mr. President.
  • Do you work for the IRS? Because I like to combine business with pleasure and want to watch you audit me.
  • You’re piloting a twin engine aircraft with a soccer team aboard in heavy fog. Suddenly a mountain looms before you. Too late for evasive maneuvers, do you pray to God for a miracle or slather the passengers in BBQ sauce knowing that it’s never too late to marinate?
  • Are you a privilege inspector? Because I need mine checked.

(On Hillary Clinton) Is she a Christian? I don't think so. I know she was photographed dancing in front of Moloch at Bohemian Grove dressed as a man and married a male prostitute... you can fact check that. (Bernie) Sanders officiated the ceremony, he admits it! Sacrificing children to a giant burning owl? That's not Christian. That's not American. That's a disgrace! -Donal Trump

 

(On Hillary Clinton) “Is she a Christian? I don’t think so. I know she was photographed dancing in front of Moloch at Bohemian Grove dressed as a man and married a male prostitute… you can fact check that. (Bernie) Sanders officiated the ceremony, he admits it! Sacrificing children to a giant burning owl? That’s not Christian. That’s not American. That’s a disgrace!”

— Donald Trump

Yikes! We didn’t think things could get any worse for Hillary but the Donald does it again! Looks like you’re fired (again) Hillary!


 

Hillary quotes to use on Tinder

If you’ve used Tinder you’ve probably spent a fair amount of time staring at a blank message prompt desperately trying to think of something clever to text that one slightly average looking person who probably swiped you by accident, and then resorted to Googling pick up lines in hopes that somebody on the internet is spending their refractory period writing dating advice that you can use. Finding a brilliant opener is a tricky proposition, even for the best of us so I’ve pulled a few gems from America’s favorite pant-suited seductress that are guaranteed to get you digits. (more…)


By Staff Writer

If there’s one unwritten rule, or more accurately, one horrifically overwritten rule, it’s that before you can start enjoying that relationship you have to actually meet another human being first. And that invariably is going to involve a little flirting, so thank God that Cosmo is riding into town again in a drunken stupor of stupidly that only a man writing for, well Cosmo could hope to achieve.

Follow me below the fold to find out why if you’re getting dating advice from a magazine you’re probably still single…

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