By Staff Writer

Recently the CEO of a major internet technology firm admitted that women who hide their long sexy hair under a hat are deliberately paid less than those who wear skimpy cleavage-empowering clothing to the cubicle farm. This never-before-revealed corporate secret is a winning strategy engineered to discourage the wearing of unflattering office attire among the token skirts and promote high morale among the male staff (who do all the real work anyway).

“Calculated to a precise masculine detail”

In our private, closed-door tell-all session with this Fortune 50 guru he revealed his tried-and-true policies when it comes to the headwear of the fairer sex. Short answer? Less is more. In fact, the mere presence of a hat – as is calculated to a precise masculine detail on a series of charts and spreadsheets we are shown – comes to a nicely rounded 10% cut in ones annual salary. Of course, he explains, as a modern, industry leading innovator he sees the need to synergize the profit-centric values of a successful company with the latest trends in feminist empowerment, namely the adornment of oneself in the common attire of the proletariat, namely the common hat.

“Not unless she intends to apply for work serving drinks”

With a dedication possessed by only the most successful of men, our virtuoso flips through his manifesto, finally arriving at the most illuminating of flowcharts and matrices. “Now if a broad were to wear a hat into the office,” he cautions, with a disdain so thick that I scribble a note to myself to consider bottling and marketing it, “that hat should be either black or charcoal. Ideally coordinated with suit of her immediate superior as a sign of respect. Never white. Not unless she intends to apply for work serving drinks at my yacht club.” He grins. No doubt there is a place for white hats and tennis shorts, and damned if either of us didn’t have an interview to perform we’d be under an umbrella savoring the kind of whiskey reserved for men of status.

“That’s the color of communism and menstruation”

“Now red,” he pauses, summoning a timbre few short of Reagan himself would dare muster. “Red.” Again, this time a curse. His finger drifts down the page passing shades that even a rainbow would envy. The finger stops, a dent is left on the page below the color.


Transversing across the page to the far column, he pauses, then taps on the number.

“50%.” He sounds excited now. “50%, that’s the number we take off before she’s even walked through the front door. Red. That’s the color of communism and menstruation. There’s 3 acceptable places for the color red on a person. A man’s tie. A girl’s lipstick.” Then quite somberly he taps the American flag pin on his lapel.

“No, a woman should never wear a red hat. Not if she wants to be taken seriously in the office.”

We share a look and chuckle.